I read another blog this morning, Vanilla Mom’s, which you can find here. It got me thinking about ego, and the differences in ego in gender.
I think the differences in ego have a lot to do with gender. ‘nilla describes feeling needy and equates it with being a submissive, and certainly, I think that’s part of it.
But I think part of it, too, is that women are programmed to look to others for our validation. Certainly, I think that in general submissives are more given to self-doubt than dominants because, well, it’s pretty fucking obvious, right?
But I think in general, when you compare women to men, regardless of their power orientation, it’s true that there are significant gender differences. That’s not to say that all men or all women are alike, or that there are exceptions to rules and degrees to which something is exhibited, both, but I think women are as a gender more needy/insecure than men.
I’ve had a lot of submissives in my time, and they have all been male. I have never had a submissive I felt was needy in the same way ‘nilla describes, in the way I know a lot of female submissives are.
I don’t think it was that they cared for me less or were bad submissives, but they just aren’t needy. They don’t worry and fret and almost half-expect at some point you will lose interest.
Now that makes female submissives sound awful, and I don’t mean that at all. I know, however, how I am, and one of the things I usually tell anyone who is “auditioning” for the role of submissive, is that I am not normally bitchy to deal with. If I *am* bitchy it’s because I feel neglected, and that they need to be more attentive.
But I have the ability to do that, because I run the relationship.
It’s kind of hard for a submissive to say, Sir, when I feel neglected, that’s when I get all clingy and kind of whiny, so could you pay more attention to me then and then I’ll be fine?
I mean, you can say, “Sir, I think that some of my recent behavior was brought on by not having much time together lately, and I’m sorry for my actions, but do you think we could address the issue?”
Well, you could.
And probably should more often, frankly.
But as the Top, there are times when my reaction would be “I have a plan and don’t care to discuss it.” Not always, and I think that’s the key, but this is different than vanilla. It is not an equal partnership.
My answer also might be “Suck it up.”
So, I think that in terms of validation, females submissives kind of got the short end of both sticks, as it were.
And they deal with men, usually, who are not great at recognizing that perhaps verbalizing some of the things that I know they think – how cute and sexy and fun and adorable you are, flaws and all.
I have talked some about envying people who seem to have easy confidence, because that’s not always easy for me, and I know people who know me are shaking their heads, sure that I’m lying.
I believe in fake it till you make it.
Act in the way you want to be seen, and you will be seen in that way.
Act as though the world is your oyster, and it will be.
I am more inclined to question my own actions, I think, than a lot – though not all – male dominants.
I know the less than pretty bits of my personality fairly well, just as I know my best attributes.
I know how altruistic my motives are, and aren’t.
It’s hard for me to overlook the warts and blemishes I know so well.
You know how it is. You take a great photo of the family and when you see it, you know that your sister-in-law will immediately notice that her hair looks awful or she looks too fat, and forget to notice that she looks fine, as does her family, and that, most of all, it is how she looks.
You compliment the woman at work on her outfit and instead of smiling prettily and saying, “Oh, thank you, the sweater was a gift and I really liked the color,” she points out the run in her hose and how she needs a hair cut.
I think for women, maturity is often a journey to, if not self-love, then at least self-acceptance. You work harder and harder at giving yourself at least half the break that you’d give anyone else. Not that you’re trying to go easy on yourself, but that you are, at least, being reasonable about the whole thing.
Maybe it’s an interesting parallel, because I think while women’s journey is learning better to look outward, I suspect that the journey for men is almost the opposite, learning to turn focus inward, to still themselves.
Or, here’s a thought, maybe I’m full of shit.
It’s possible, you know.