Sugar and Spice

It’s funny to me how much our gender affects how we act and react, even in this allegedly enlightened and liberated age.

To be clear, I’m not saying, doesn’t it suck that women STILL earn less then men over all, nor am I denying that there is a clear and obvious gender-bias in laws and that I disagree with them vehemently.

What I am saying, though, is that however little we may like stereotypes and however damaging they may well be in some areas and ways, they are stereotypes for a reason.  Not all women think the same way, but most women have some things in common, and the same could be said of men.

I think being a female dominant has some essential differences from being a male dominant.

Of course, I’ve never actually been a male dominant, so I have to speculate, but I’m a pretty astute observer, I think, and I have been observing my fellow tops for a long time now.

I’m going to preface this with, feel free to disagree, and tell me I am a sexist bitch, and I will thank you kindly for your input and assure you that I will give it all the consideration it deserves, and go right on.

It’s only my opinion anyway, and that and $1.06 will buy me a medium Diet Coke at any McDonald’s in Louisville.

So, if I were going to give unasked advice to my male counterparts, this would be it.

You have to talk.  You really do.  Well, ok, no, you don’t HAVE to, you can be the strong silent type, the guy who put a collar around your neck, fer Chrisake, what else do you want?  You can do that, and if you’re in relationships with something other than a reasonably normal submissive woman, it might work out for you.  Otherwise, well, probably not.

We – being women – need connection and conversation.  We women want to know that you still think we’re as adorable as we were the day you met us and that we are still the apple of your eye and the light of your life and the center of your universe.

The submissive ones among us want you to do that in a totally Dom-ly way, of course, and in your own words and on your terms.  The non-submissive among us don’t so much care about that, but we do wish you’d both think more and speak more, preferably in that order.

I think a great deal of pouting and hurt feelings could be avoided by Doms who would just give a sentence or two of insight into their actions.  No one thinks less of you if you give peaks into your reasoning.  It’s not justifying, it’s simply part of building trust.

I think too many men, and male dominants are, I think, overly fond of the militaristic jingo of Never retreat, never explain.  That’s an idiotic philosophy, and perhaps only useful in Bizarro World.

I am not going to explain everything, no, and I will explain at my convenience, not yours, but I believe there’s more power in knowledge than in ignorance.  Insight into how my mind works is what builds trust.  If you understand how I arrive at my conclusions, generally, then you bet more and more comfortable with my judgement, and that builds an even deeper dynamic.

Guys, there’s no prize for using every toy in your bag.  Really.  I’ve checked.  He who dies with the most does not, as it turns out, win.

Now, for those of you who have seen me do my 101 class, the one where I haul “all” my toys in, I know that seems like the pot calling the kettle back, and I don’t disagree that I have a lot of toys.

On the other hand, many of them were gifts, given me by the creator of the toy, by an admirer or to mark an occasion.  I haven’t bought anything other than some very inexpensive canes or 25 feet of a pretty color rope or the occasional small item in literally years.

Also, when I go to an event, even if I plan to play, I travel relatively light.  And if I only have a few things, then I’m fine.  Hopping from toy to toy often makes it hard for a submissive to get into the flow of a scene.

Now if your goal ISN’T subspace, then I’m cool with that.  It’s a particular kind of sadism that can be great fun and I am all in favor of that.

So long as you know what you’re doing.

About MsConstanceExplains

Ms Constance has been actively involved in the BDSM/Leather community since the mid-1990’s. She is the Founder of the Louisville Munch as well as its hostess for ten years, from 1997 to 2007, and was christened as “Louisville’s First Lady” by her community. As a member of various BDSM/Leather organizations, she has been nominated for Pantheon Woman of the Year as well as regional awards, and has been nominated with her slave, drew, for Pantheon Couple of the Year. She serves as Special Events Director for the Great Lakes Leather Alliance. She produces the Bluegrass Leather Pride Contest, sending contestants to Great Lakes Leather Weekend, and was Presenters Committee Chair for Leather Leadership Conference 2010 Great Lakes/Ontario. She has produced and judged Leather events and contests, been instrumental in the organization and creation of various groups and clubs, advised and encouraged other communities and endeavors, and produced a performance by a BDSM comedian. Groups around the country use her writings in information and introductory packets, and she is an occasional columnist as well. She and slave drew hold the titles of Great Lakes Master and slave 2003.

Posted on September 9, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Ha. Bizarro World. Love it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: