Questions for Dominants 03
3. Looking back, what are the first dominant tendencies you can recognize in yourself?
I think that looking back, we can all recognize moments where our tendencies become obvious to us, at least in retrospect.
I think I’ve blogged before about my friend when I was a child, Cindy. Cindy had a big family who indulged her somewhat as the youngest child. I had no father and we were quite poor, so we were opposite ends of the spectrum, though to be fair, her family wasn’t really spending a lot, there were just more of them and they DID Christmas, while my mother really didn’t.
In any case, one year Cindy got an Easy Bake oven and a pogo stick – I know, go figure – that I envied beyond all reason.
Having said that, though, what I really was fascinated with more than the oven or the pogo stick, was a child’s (?) bullwhip.
It would really crack and everything.
I remember as a kid watching Bonanza and noticing their boots.
I was rather bossy as a child and didn’t like sharing my things much.
And I would appreciate it if those of you who do know me would quite laughing quite so loudly.
So, as I said, I was, perhaps, a touch bossy. I was shyer as I got older – teenage years are not kind to the poor and different among us – but once I got out of that situation, I was in another fringe community, the Lesbian separatist one, and I had a chance to be more dominant, too.
One of these days I’ll have to blog about my first girlfriend and how I met her, but that’s a whole thing in itself, believe me.
In any case, we hadn’t been together long when she asked me to tie her up. I don’t remember what she said, or how she said it, I don’t remember if she had rope or we bought rope. I don’t remember much about it, honestly, other than my fumbling a bit the first time or two to get the knots right.
I do remember that it didn’t bother me or shock me or worry me, and maybe that’s why I don’t remember a lot about it. It didn’t seem all that weird.
Fay was honestly a fairly serious masochist, in fact, and would have liked, I realize in retrospect, to have been hurt more, but we weren’t that far along. She was very embarrassed by her desires and never really was able to express it, I think.
She did develop some interest in it about ten years ago, I think, but I doubt that her long-term girlfriend would be very open to that, so I don’t think it went anywhere. She told me once that our relationship probably would have worked better if she had just let me be in charge outside the bedroom, too.
I agreed with her.
We played with bondage off and on for the term of our relationship, about two years, but never regularly.
Interestingly, my first real exposure to poly was with Fay, too. I had started, with Fay’s knowledge, an affair with Beth, my last girlfriend. For a few months, Beth lived with Fay and me in our house in upstate New York. Our bedroom had a double bed, and there was a twin mattress on the floor in a guest room.
In one of my more slutty moments, I slept in the same bed every night and the two of them alternated who slept with me while the other one slept in the twin bed.
I never did anything behind her back and she actually never objected. Eventually her own doubts that I was going to leave her for Beth became self-fulfilling prophesies because, really, there’s hardly anything less appealing than desperation and being clutched at.
So, anyway, after Fay and I broke up in about 1981, I was with Beth for 17 years. Beth had no interest in kink, at all, and in fact is the person in the world I know who seems most afraid of pain. I would try and get out a sliver and she would jerk her hand away literally before I ever touched her.
I would hear a blood-curdling scream from the other room and go running in. “What happened, what happened?!?”
“My foot slipped a little on the floor and I was afraid it was going to hurt.”
In about 1993-94, I started to fall apart. I was not gay, but was in a gay relationship with a person whom I loved dearly but with whom I didn’t want to have that kind of relationship.
The internet was exploding and we were among the first to get access because we were both pretty techie.
It was back before you could just GET online easily. The people who were back then, in the early 1990’s, were people who worked for universities or in the computer department of a large company, or computer geniuses, because it wasn’t easy.
I used a bulletin board and a 2400 baud modem and I was SMOKIN’!
I found the undernet and as I sat there thinking, oh, where can I go now?, my fingers were typing, “/j #submission.”
That’s actually where the antecedents of the Louisville Munch lie, in that first exploration of kink in Louisville.
And there I was, on this odd channel with a lot of people, back when such things were fun, because they were new, and so incredibly cool.
I hung out there for a few years, while my relationship fell apart, while I was downsized unexpectedly after ten years, while I lost my friends and my family and my house and my dogs and my mind.
I was not always upfront with Beth about what I was doing, although to be fair, it was because I knew she would lose it if I even brought any of this up, I knew that it was not going to be possible to rationally work through anything.
Plus, I was having a nervous breakdown, so I get some slack.
I played around a bit with kink then, though honestly, not a lot. But a bit.
Finally, I extricated myself, and was actually free to do what I wanted, a novel concept at that time to me, with whom I wanted, however the fuck I wanted, basically.
I moved out in May of 1997 and I know by June or July I had a submissive, a nice enough man, Bill, older than I, and very happy to have someone who wanted to do all the things to him that he’d been fantasizing about for the last 30 years or so of his life.
I do remember the first time he was actually in front of me, naked and kneeling, and I had my little collection of toys, a couple of crops, a strip of cloth for a blindfold, and I thought, “Ok, now what do I do…?”
Fortunately I figured it out.