Questions for Dominants 05

6.      What’s the worst thing about being dominant, outside of play?

There a lot of good things about being dominant.  It’s good to be the queen, all of that.

However, it’s not all skittles and chips, as I actually sometimes say.

Being a dominant also means, first and foremost, that I am responsible for other people.  That when I make a decision, I take more than myself into account.

If you feel bad about disappointing me, imagine how bad I feel about fucking up.

Notice I didn’t say disappointing you, because, well, that I can live with.

Sometimes that’s the nature of dominance, too, of disappointing someone by telling them that they can’t do or have or get something.

But that’s different than really fucking up, different from forcing an issue – requiring that someone quit a job or move to another city – when, as it turns out, it was a bad decision.

And, to be fair, too, it really ISN’T fun to be the one who gets to disappoint someone else.  Sometimes we are cast in somewhat the role of the no-fun parent.

And again, it’s a role we take on willingly, but still.

Sometimes any role, however comfortable, gets old.  Once in a while, sometimes a very great while, but still, once in a while you get tired of making the decisions and the plans and taking everyone’s likes and dislikes and feelings and preferences into account.

Sometimes it’s a little like juggling chainsaws WHILE herding cats.

I think many of us question ourselves regularly, sort of a self test.  You want to maintain the dynamic, to be the Master, but you don’t want to be a Master Dick, either.  Am I being too soft, I am accepting too little or allowing too much?  Or am I being a dick, doing something just because I’m too-stiff necked to change my mind?

Sometimes there’s a bit of that imposter dilemma I struggle with. Why on EARTH would someone do what I say, really?  Why in the WORLD when I lose my purse are there three or four submissives scurrying around looking for it?


One of the things that IS good about it is some of the odd and entertaining things I get to do because of it.

I spent last evening at as formal Leather dinner, with about a half dozen dominants and eight or nine submissives.  We had a lovely dinner prepared by jacki, with, I am sure, much assistance from her Master, Charles.

jacki gave a really well-done wine tasting instruction before dinner, which I enjoyed muchly.  I may have to change my wine to Moscato.

It also gave me the chance to do something kind of amusing.  I did a demo/class on both flower arranging and garnishing.  I had brought big bunches of whatever was growing around my yard, lavender ageratum and white snake root, perennial begonia with big heart shaped leaves and hanging pink triangular flowers.

I had a few last roses of the season, the last Shasta daisy, and the aluminum purple and silver leaves of Persian shield.  There were a few sage flowers with tiny red orchid-like flowers, and some of the magenta cockscomb.

I took a half dozen different shapes and sizes of vases and did an arrangement in each one.

It was really funny to be in front of a room of kinky people, and arranging flowers, and the very guy-like guys who are there, all tops, are saying, “No, I think the rose is too much in that arrangement, but maybe another sprig of the pink…”

We also talked about tea, since Cerrin and I are tea snobs.  I brought a dozen or so tins of different kinds of tea, black and green and white, and passed them around so they could smell the differences.  We talked about how to brew a pot of tea, why you don’t let the water continue to boil and boil, why you don’t boil water in the microwave, why you don’t make tea with the open box of Lipton you have hiding somewhere in the back of your cupboard.

I think what I accomplished more than anything else is to ensure that not a single person there, except Cerrin, will ever serve me a cup of tea without acute performance anxiety.

About MsConstanceExplains

Ms Constance has been actively involved in the BDSM/Leather community since the mid-1990’s. She is the Founder of the Louisville Munch as well as its hostess for ten years, from 1997 to 2007, and was christened as “Louisville’s First Lady” by her community. As a member of various BDSM/Leather organizations, she has been nominated for Pantheon Woman of the Year as well as regional awards, and has been nominated with her slave, drew, for Pantheon Couple of the Year. She serves as Special Events Director for the Great Lakes Leather Alliance. She produces the Bluegrass Leather Pride Contest, sending contestants to Great Lakes Leather Weekend, and was Presenters Committee Chair for Leather Leadership Conference 2010 Great Lakes/Ontario. She has produced and judged Leather events and contests, been instrumental in the organization and creation of various groups and clubs, advised and encouraged other communities and endeavors, and produced a performance by a BDSM comedian. Groups around the country use her writings in information and introductory packets, and she is an occasional columnist as well. She and slave drew hold the titles of Great Lakes Master and slave 2003.

Posted on September 30, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. I was thinking about doing a class on coffee and tea service. I less formal class but one that will make it a service class more about the structure of how and why.

  2. “If you feel bad about disappointing me, imagine how bad I feel about fucking up.”

    Oh, I so relate to that! One of my greatest anxieties as a dominant is the possibility that the decisions I have made that deeply affect others will turn out badly, due to some factor that I have failed to take into consideration.

  3. It has been interesting reading this thread of questions. Your comment about juggling chainsaws and herding cats cracked me up. Partially because that is what I feel I do in my “day job” and how that drives me crazy. Partially because Wolf’s way of explaining the reason for a safe word is “Okay, then chainsaw play and no safe word is okay with you?”

    Oh, and Wolf is still thinking about answering the questions.

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