Questions for Dominants 16

18.   Have you ever had a significant online D/s relationship?

I actually have had a few D/s relationships that were online long ago, before I was in a position to do things in person so much.

I had a couple of online submissives, one of whom was, at the time, significant to me, though I barely remember him now. I ran across a picture of him he’d sent me a few years ago and genuinely looked at it blankly for the first 30 seconds, having no idea who he was.

I lost track of him entirely probably 15 years ago. I remember he was a big Boston Patriots fan and actually cared when they won or lost, which at the time was very odd to me.

I had a sort of mentor for a longish time online, again before I had other options. He actually was very influential on me, in a lot of ways.

Much of my philosophy about being a dominant and a leader, if I think about it, actually had roots in things he told me or taught me.

He was not, however, in many ways the most stable of people in terms of his emotional state, I think, though I honestly don’t mean that badly. I think, in retrospect, that he might have talked a better game than he probably played, and I feel quite disloyal saying that, even now.

He wasn’t really involved in any community, nor did he have real time relationships that were D/s oriented, so I suspect that some of what he said was easier because he didn’t have to do it all the time, but again, I feel disloyal even all these years even saying that.

He used the name online of WWSmith, but his name was Jon Lukas. He lived not that far away, but I never met him, though we spoke on the phone a lot at times.

We had a falling out about 13 years ago, though we hadn’t been very close for a couple of years before that, either. I don’t remember what it was over, nothing big, I think one of the emotional upsets he was given to.

For whatever reason, I’d not looked for him on the internet for a number of years, probably six or seven at least, and on a whim I looked a few months ago and found his name in the death indexes. He died in May of 2001, not long at all after we last spoke.

It was really more upsetting than I would have expected it would be, for whatever reason. I tried to track down an obituary, but only found the most basic of information, basically the date on which he had died at age 51.

I’ve thought about him more often since then, as would be expected, I’d think.

I was lucky to have known him, I think, regardless of what his own flaws were, he gave me a lot of information and set pretty high expectations for me, and expected me to do the same for myself.

He taught me it was ok to be an asshole sometimes, or to be thought one, because that’s the nature of the role, and sometimes that’s what’s needed. He taught me not to feel too guilty about it, but not to make it a habit, either.

And, on that small note of tribute to him, I will end. I will be in Lexington at Mr. Bluegrass Leather tomorrow, so a post may have to wait until Sunday, it will be a late night and a busy day.

About MsConstanceExplains

Ms Constance has been actively involved in the BDSM/Leather community since the mid-1990’s. She is the Founder of the Louisville Munch as well as its hostess for ten years, from 1997 to 2007, and was christened as “Louisville’s First Lady” by her community. As a member of various BDSM/Leather organizations, she has been nominated for Pantheon Woman of the Year as well as regional awards, and has been nominated with her slave, drew, for Pantheon Couple of the Year. She serves as Special Events Director for the Great Lakes Leather Alliance. She produces the Bluegrass Leather Pride Contest, sending contestants to Great Lakes Leather Weekend, and was Presenters Committee Chair for Leather Leadership Conference 2010 Great Lakes/Ontario. She has produced and judged Leather events and contests, been instrumental in the organization and creation of various groups and clubs, advised and encouraged other communities and endeavors, and produced a performance by a BDSM comedian. Groups around the country use her writings in information and introductory packets, and she is an occasional columnist as well. She and slave drew hold the titles of Great Lakes Master and slave 2003.

Posted on October 20, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. That’s kind of a sad story isn’t it?

    -sin

  2. It was interesting how much of a sense of loss I felt when I found he had passed away. I keep his emails in an old account, still, and copies of most of our conversations, though I’ve not looked at them in at least a decade.

    I don’t think online is always insignificant, though it’s not the same as in person, and I know some people do look down on it. I’d have turned out to be a much different person had it not been for Jon.

    • It’s strange when you find out that someone has died and you didn’t know. When you find out is when they die for you, and the grieving can be strange when you don’t find out when everyone else does. It feels odd to know that you didn’t know.

      • It was really strange. It was like having this grief and no real place to take it or anything to do with it. I found out that the man who I grew up thinking of as my grandfather, though he was more correctly my grandmother’s third husband, had passed away some four or five years later. It was a very odd feeling of grieving, long after the time for it was passed.

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