Being Served

I read an interesting blog by jade, on Queen Bees and service.  I recommend you read it, here, it’s really an interesting entry.

I think that often one of the things that’s hard for people to understand about being a dominant is that being served is not always as easy as it might seem.

For one thing, being served well requires training someone in how you like to be served and that means, then, that you put up with less than ideal service for a while, because no one is going to get it right the first time.

I often use tea as an example in explaining service.

I drink a lot of hot tea.  I think I’ve had four or five pots of tea today.  The morning started with a couple pots of Blackberry Sage tea, I had Rose Petal Tea in the afternoon, then a pot of a new tea I had ordered, a green pear flavor, and then a pot of my favorite green tea at the moment, a pink grapefruit.

So, as you can tell, I take my tea fairly seriously.  Only one was a tea bag kind of tea, the other was all loose tea.

If you were going to serve me for a day or two, you’d need to know how to make tea.  Not only that, you’d need to make tea the way I like it, and even slave drew, who also drinks tea and knows what teas I like and how I like my teas, and once in a while I get a tea that isn’t really what I wanted at that particular time.  It’s unavoidable.

For you to get my tea right, you have to know if I want black tea or green tea or white tea, do I want it flavored or plain, how strong do I want it?

Black tea and green tea and white tea all have different kinds of brewing times.

I like mugs, largish ones, not small cups.

You can’t boil water in a microwave and make tea with it.  I don’t’ know why, but it’s disgusting.

So, if you’re going to make me tea, most likely, I’m going to have quite a few pots of tea that aren’t exactly what I want.

To get good service, too, I have to be able to articulate both what I want and how I want it, and that’s not always easy.

In addition, I have to KNOW what it is I want.

That’s harder than you might think.

I know a lot of dominants who seem to expect submissives to read their minds, when, it seems, there’s not much there to read.

You also have to be willing to make a choice, to pick one thing over another.

You know those people, you say to them, What kind of pie would you like, we have pumpkin, apple and pecan, and they say, Oh, it doesn’t matter.  Whatever.

My, how helpful.

I’ve told you I have all three.  It clearly makes no difference to ME what you have, if it did, I’d not have offered them all.

Or the person to who you say, would you rather have a soft drink or wine, and they say, Yes.

Again, not helpful.

As a dominant, you have to know your own mind, and be willing to state it.

It can be hard, too, to not feel guilty or as if you’re taking advantage of someone.

I know, I know, it’s the dynamic, you like serving, we get that.

But still.

When we’re both sitting down, sometimes it feels pretty selfish to say, “I’d like more tea.”

If it’s something less pleasant – getting up in the night to let the dogs out, for instance – it can feel pretty selfish to stay snug and warm in bed while someone else gets up to do that.

During our Fringe Board meetings, we often  meet at my house and eat dinner during the meeting.  Last time I started to take one of the plates to the kitchen.

I was basically not allowed to, because jacki took it from me, with her usual, Really, Ma’am?  Really?

Sometimes that’s odd for me, too – it’s my house, I’m the host, I should take care of people, it’s odd to me to sit down and be waited on.

I know, I know, it’s hard to believe.

I told you being served is not the easiest thing.

About MsConstanceExplains

Ms Constance has been actively involved in the BDSM/Leather community since the mid-1990’s. She is the Founder of the Louisville Munch as well as its hostess for ten years, from 1997 to 2007, and was christened as “Louisville’s First Lady” by her community. As a member of various BDSM/Leather organizations, she has been nominated for Pantheon Woman of the Year as well as regional awards, and has been nominated with her slave, drew, for Pantheon Couple of the Year. She serves as Special Events Director for the Great Lakes Leather Alliance. She produces the Bluegrass Leather Pride Contest, sending contestants to Great Lakes Leather Weekend, and was Presenters Committee Chair for Leather Leadership Conference 2010 Great Lakes/Ontario. She has produced and judged Leather events and contests, been instrumental in the organization and creation of various groups and clubs, advised and encouraged other communities and endeavors, and produced a performance by a BDSM comedian. Groups around the country use her writings in information and introductory packets, and she is an occasional columnist as well. She and slave drew hold the titles of Great Lakes Master and slave 2003.

Posted on January 24, 2013, in Fringe Elements, Service, slave drew, Submissives and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. It has been my experience that women have a harder time with being served than men. We are socialized to take responsibility for the comfort of others, to be the hostess, to be happy to serve the best we have to someone else. That could just be my experience, of course. i’ll say that as a slave, it is especially rewarding serving a woman, simply because on some level they don’t need expect this as their due in life. i well imagine that it is hard to be served because you have to let go of some control to let that happen. Isn’t that the irony of training? You have to be willing to let us take the risk of messing up the tea and it means that you have let go of controling the outcome of having perfect tea the first time. Maybe even the third time. But in the end, i imagine that there is a lot of comfort and satisfaction in the perfect cup of tea, prepared by hands that are an extension of yourself.

    It is interesting that i often hear women say they worry about taking advantage of someone. It seems that is particular to feminine women. i have never heard a butch woman or man worry about this. They seem more focused on not using us to such an extent that we can’t be used in the future where women seem to be more focused on the concept itself.

    • I think that’s very true, it’s been my experience that the issue men have with service is not being particularly discriminating about it.

      It’s also interesting that you find it especially rewarding to serve a woman. I can understand that, but I hadn’t thought of it.

      And you’re right, of course. The hard part about service is that I do have to be willing to train and willing to accept something that is not specifically what I want, perhaps not the way I want it, exactly, in order to get what I want in the end. I have to give up control.

      We HATE that. 🙂

  2. I love this. My Master is a tea drinker, and I do have to get it right. I feel like I’m always going on about tea in my discussion groups. There is the time of day to consider, the type of tea, the amount of sugar, the hotness of the water, the size of the cup (he has different cups for different times of day). And so on.

    I actually haven’t noticed him having a problem waving his empty cup at me when he wants a refill, but every now and then he does something really nice for me, like washing all the dishes without telling me he was going to do it. Or doing all the snow shoveling and sending me inside to save my back.

  3. “I know a lot of dominants who seem to expect submissives to read their minds, when, it seems, there’s not much there to read.”

    I’m guilty of the first half of that statement. I’m the sort who wants a submissive to read my mind, but in my case, it’s not because there’s nothing in there, but that there’s too much and sometimes, it’s difficult for me to articulate. Other times, articulating what I want makes me feel selfish and guilty for the same reasons you mentioned in your post. If it’s any consolation, I’m aware of that flaw in myself and I’m trying to correct it.

    What jade wrote in response feels very close to home for me:“You have to be willing to let us take the risk of messing up the tea and it means that you have let go of controling the outcome of having perfect tea the first time. Maybe even the third time.”

    I’m a strange sort of perfectionist, and for that reason, I often don’t allow service because I know I can just do it better myself. This, I guess, is another flaw I have to work on.

    So many flaws!

    Excellent post, Ms. Constance. 🙂

  4. I don’t think you’re alone. Even as much as I tout it, there are things I do for myself because it’s just easier.

    No one else does my laundry, for instance, because they might not do it EXACTLY the way I want it and it seems like there’s so much to it – this shirt gets half dried, this doesn’t get dried at all, this pair of jeans can be dried, but not on high heat, this pair can be dried on high heat, this one has a stain so you have to treat it and then see if it came out before you dry it because if it didn’t and you dry it you’ll set it…

    In retrospect, though, as I say that, I might trust a woman to do that, but not a man. I think men as a whole seem to be much less focused on those kind of details.

    And I do sometimes – more than I’d like – expect people to read my mind. You should KNOW how I’d feel and what I’d want and what would be the very thing to do at the very moment to make me the exact happiest I can be…

    Right.

    Ok, so it’s a flow that I’m working on, too.

  5. You said, “You should KNOW how I’d feel and what I’d want and what would be the very thing to do at the very moment to make me the exact happiest I can be…”

    This is precisely what i was referring to when i said that what goes on between a Queen Bee and a servant is a dance. It can be an incredible thing to know every single step. 🙂

  6. And it is amazing when someone DOES know, too. It’s that sense, I think, of being really seen, and still loved and cared for.

  7. I was having a conversation with some other slaves about their being expected to automatically know what service to provide, ie. what drink their Masters wanted at what times. The concept of “silent service” came up, evidently used in your fancier restaurants.

    I asked my Master about the whole thing and he said in his best Gone With the Wind accent impersonation “I expect you to be a slave, not a mindreader”.

    So I look forward to many more years of him telling me exactly what to do :). Yay!

    • I think it’s hard to walk the line between serving and hovering, and I think the idea of silent service is a good one. I think the more you know the person whom you serve, the easier it is to provide that kind of service. I suppose that’s one of the benefits of knowing each other well.

  8. BTW, he is wayyyy pickier on laundry than I am. I do it all, but I’ve had step by step instructions on everything from sorting, to folding, to hanger direction and pants hanging. Not to mention ironing.

    • Maybe I’d trust you to do my laundry. 🙂

      Honestly, I think it’s always about how detail oriented the slave is.

      All slaves SHOULD be detail oriented, but, as in other things, “should,” is not really a great yardstick, either.

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