Attracting a Partner, Part 1

I am doing a class next week on Attracting a Partner.

It used to be called, Attracting a Dominant, but then the more I did it the more I realized that the same things went into both sides of it, or many of the same anyway, and it seemed silly to do a class that applied to both but marketed to one.

At the Sunday munch last week, I ended up giving a sort of impromptu vision of what I think is important in finding a partner.

On one level, it’s funny, because I say the same thing in all my classes, on the other hand, it’s not funny at all, really.

The first step is always knowing yourself.

If you do not know what you want, if you are unable to define it and communicate it, the likelihood that you will find it goes WAY down.

I think one of the reasons that can be hard is that it requires a certain level of honesty with yourself, and sometimes that’s not the prettiest side of our personality, or, rather, it’s not the way we THINK we should look.

Back in the last decade, when I was more focused on finding people, one of the things that mattered was that they not have children, at least children under a certain age, whom they had much contact with.

I don’t mean I preferred deadbeat dads, by the way.

But I don’t particularly like children.  My not having children was not an accident, or a sorrow.

If a man had children that were still preteens, for instance, I believed they should be his primary focus, meaning I couldn’t be.

I want your attention.  Children interfere – and should.  Ergo, no children.

I also like decorative playmates and partners.  I am shallow.  I’m also a big believer in physical attraction.

I am not perfect, nor do I expect others to be, but I do like good-looking playmates, and that weighs heavily in my decisions.

Those are not overly flattering recognitions about oneself, but if I think that an unattractive guy with three small kids will work for me, in the end, we’re both going to waste our time.

I think you have to be realistic about what you have to offer, too, in the sense of time and commitment.  It might be fun to fantasize about being kept naked and chained 24/7, but if you have a mortgage and a job, then that’s probably not realistic, unless you find someone with an estate and a lot of disposable income.

It’s not impossible, but you might not have a very broad pool of candidates from which to draw.

Sometimes it can feel like we’re failing ourselves if we’re not as “committed” as we think we ought to be, or as other people are.

My kink life really IS my life.  I do little that doesn’t have kink components.  Most of my social interactions are kink-related.  Most of my travel is kink-related.  Most of my relationships are kink-related.

Personally, I was never looking for something that was just in the bedroom.  If you’re unwilling to go to an event with me, or a munch, or a party, then, I’m probably not interested.

But that doesn’t mean everyone is so committed to this, or should be.

I don’t have blood family, or children.  That doesn’t claim my time.

I was never overly career-driven.  I gave what I had to give to get along.  That didn’t claim my time.

Being realistic about what you have to give and want to get back is vital, I think, to actually GETTING it.

Remember – I have a new website on my OWN domain up and running.   It’s the same right now, but in time this one will likely not be updated as often – better get your bookmarks updated!

And a LINK to the new site would be incredibly helpful, wouldn’t it?  Thanks to the MonkeysJourney blog for the reminder.

You can find my new home here.

About MsConstanceExplains

Ms Constance has been actively involved in the BDSM/Leather community since the mid-1990’s. She is the Founder of the Louisville Munch as well as its hostess for ten years, from 1997 to 2007, and was christened as “Louisville’s First Lady” by her community. As a member of various BDSM/Leather organizations, she has been nominated for Pantheon Woman of the Year as well as regional awards, and has been nominated with her slave, drew, for Pantheon Couple of the Year. She serves as Special Events Director for the Great Lakes Leather Alliance. She produces the Bluegrass Leather Pride Contest, sending contestants to Great Lakes Leather Weekend, and was Presenters Committee Chair for Leather Leadership Conference 2010 Great Lakes/Ontario. She has produced and judged Leather events and contests, been instrumental in the organization and creation of various groups and clubs, advised and encouraged other communities and endeavors, and produced a performance by a BDSM comedian. Groups around the country use her writings in information and introductory packets, and she is an occasional columnist as well. She and slave drew hold the titles of Great Lakes Master and slave 2003.

Posted on January 31, 2013, in Relationships and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Ms. Constanon would you post a link to your new blog , the one on your own domain? I looked and can’t find it. And if I missed it here, somewhere, well, point me in the right direction please?

  2. and I had typing issues. Ms. Constance, please.

  3. I have a question for you, please. I have a few submissive female friends who are looking for a Dom, hopefully a Master, and they desire to be slaves. However, one thing they will not compromise on is monogamy on both sides, and they are finding this really difficult to find men that are interested at all in being limited that way, especially regarding slavery.

    Is this common, does it happen, are they being realistic, and do you have any tips/pointers on how to present this idea positively or where to look for these men? They do attend local events quite often already.

    • I already spoke about non-monogamy and I hope that was helpful. I think non-monogamy IS very common in our community, but it has so many flavors and varieties, too. I think MOST people have a variety of non-monogamy that involves one primary partner and other secondary or less-frequent partners.

      I don’t think you can compromise on things LIKE monogamy, but I also think that you need to understand what you might be able to accept and what you can’t, too.

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