Attracting a Partner, Part 2

I had a comment asking about something I’d planned to address, too, so I’m going to go ahead and do that now.

What I want to address is monogamy.

I think that there are two things that you can’t really compromise on and be happy about, and those are children and monogamy.

If you want children, agreeing not to have them to please someone else, or having them because someone else wants you to, That’s something so intrinsic, I think, to who you are that compromising on it is something that you can’t reconcile, truly, within yourself.

Monogamy is like that, too, though there are some differences.  Children are an either/or situation.  You either have children or you don’t.

Monogamy is not like that.

There are a millions flavors of monogamy, and nearly as many definitions.

I think it’s important to know why you have the expectations about monogamy that you have.

For some people it’s because it’s what they know.  Most of us had monogamous parents, or at least parents who projected monogamy.  When there was NOT monogamy, it was usually due to a secret affair that was followed by pain and recrimination.

For some people it’s more about insecurity than anything else, the sense that if you love someone else, you are not able to love me, too.  We have to remember that love and affection are not finite; we do not have a limited amount of those things.

You do not have to take away from one to give to another.

It’s more like dipping a pail in the ocean.  You can fill a pail a million times, and the ocean will still be full.

On the other hand, I also recognize that non-monogamy is not for everyone.  For some people, it eats their hearts away.

I think a submissive or slave has a right to require monogamy in their relationships, in the same way that they have the right to set other limits, like being unwilling to change jobs or turn control of money over to another person.

And, as a dominant or Master, I have the right to refuse to offer it.

What I don’t have the right to do is say that I offer it, and then not, just as a submissive doesn’t have the right to say they accept it, when they don’t.

I think every relationship calls for honesty between the participants.  I think there is a huge difference between non-monogamy and cheating.

I think it happens because submissives may feel they have no other choices, if they want a dominant.  They say they can accept it, and in the end, they cannot.

It’s important to remember that there is a difference between sex and play, and that’s just the most basic topics that are usually on the table in a discussion about monogamy versus non-monogamy.

And then there are a myriad of discussions about both sex and play.

If you’re discussing sex, what does sex mean to you?  You might choose to limit all sexual activity, or any activity when you’re not together, or that intercourse is off-limits, but oral sex is ok, or that a dominant acting on a submissive to the pleasure of the submissive is ok, or that sex with toys is ok, or not.

If you’re talking about play, then what kinds of play are you talking?  Is a birthday spanking at a party ok, but a private play session not?  What about a play session with someone you’d not be interested in having sex with – someone of the same sex, for instance, if you’re not gay?

You really have to start defining your terms.

I think you have to believe, too, that you have a right to find what you want, but I think, too, you have to accept that your requirements are likely to limit your pool.

And please remember to update your bookmarks for my new home on the web, which you can find here.

About MsConstanceExplains

Ms Constance has been actively involved in the BDSM/Leather community since the mid-1990’s. She is the Founder of the Louisville Munch as well as its hostess for ten years, from 1997 to 2007, and was christened as “Louisville’s First Lady” by her community. As a member of various BDSM/Leather organizations, she has been nominated for Pantheon Woman of the Year as well as regional awards, and has been nominated with her slave, drew, for Pantheon Couple of the Year. She serves as Special Events Director for the Great Lakes Leather Alliance. She produces the Bluegrass Leather Pride Contest, sending contestants to Great Lakes Leather Weekend, and was Presenters Committee Chair for Leather Leadership Conference 2010 Great Lakes/Ontario. She has produced and judged Leather events and contests, been instrumental in the organization and creation of various groups and clubs, advised and encouraged other communities and endeavors, and produced a performance by a BDSM comedian. Groups around the country use her writings in information and introductory packets, and she is an occasional columnist as well. She and slave drew hold the titles of Great Lakes Master and slave 2003.

Posted on February 1, 2013, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Thank you!! I’m sending a link to this to some friends.

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