Attracting a Partner, Part 3

I’ve been talking about finding a partner, and I’ve spoken mostly about being realistic about what it is you want, and what you have to offer, and about monogamy and non-monogamy.

I want to say, too, that I believe that whatever you want, there’s someone out there who is interested in the same thing.

You don’t have to settle, but you may well have to accept that your pool is smaller than you’d like.

I could have five new submissives by the end of the evening, using only Fetlife and text messages, but how worthwhile would those submissives be?

Many of you submissives who bemoan finding a dominant are not really saying there are NO dominants, they are saying that the dominants out there are not worth your time or effort, and I would agree.

No one ever said it was easy.

Vanilla relationships are easy, right?  It’s a piece of cake to find what you want and need and like, right?  So clearly, adding one more piece to the mix, well, that wouldn’t make it any harder, right?  Not at all, surely?


So, relationships are hard, and kink relationships are also hard.  Finding people who suit is never easy.

However, if you can’t even honestly articulate what it is you want, those chances go way down.

If what you want is to have an occasional play partner who likes kinky sex with spankings and some rope, well, those people are out there.

If what you want is a 24/7 total power exchange dynamic where every part of life is controlled, well, those people are out there, too.

But you can see how it might be hard to find what you want if you aren’t labeling it accurately.

SAYING you want a TPE and really being unwilling to have control go farther than the bed, well, that’s going to make it hard to make that vision a reality.

I think we so often mislabel ourselves, particularly when we’re new.  People use the vocabulary they see without trying to figure out if it’s really what they are, and that’s compounded by the fact that our vocabulary is somewhat fluid, and has few absolutes within it.

I can tell you what I think a bottom is versus a submissive versus a slave, but that’s only my interpretation.  Six other people would have at least six other definitions.

Mine would be correct, of course.

And even within my always-correct definitions are some contradictions and caveats.

For instance, slave drew is not submissive.  Not even a little.  He’s submissive towards ME and he’s generally courteous and respectful to most people, mostly.  Mostly.

But he’s not a bit submissive.

It was quite funny last fall when he came in second for the local Munchie awards in the category of Most Admired Submissive.

Our reaction was, Have they ever MET you?

So, add that into the mix, the occasional wiggle room for the vagaries of life, and what you have is something that makes it that much harder to find those with whom we are compatible.

I think that the people who have the most successful kinky relationships are generally the ones who have spent the most time inside their own heads, poking around.

For a lot of people, too, finally finding someone who is at least open to the dark recesses that they’ve kept mostly hidden can be wildly intoxicating and that makes them less than discriminating about their partners.

It’s kind of like saying, “Oh, wow, you love missionary position, so do I, clearly, we are soul mates,” or “OMG, your favorite band is Maroon 5?  Mine is, TOO!  We are destined to spend eternity together.”

Those discoveries might be either nice bonuses, or possibly the basis of a friendship, but do not indicate soul mate status.

We forget sometimes that relationships are relationships.  If you’re not compatible on more than a surface level, it’s probably not going to work, however great that level does work.

On the other hand, one thing that can be very freeing about kinky relationship is that kinky relationships already don’t fit into a lot of the boxes that we grew up thinking were the norm and the target.

In the vanilla world, being a control freak or a masochist are usually seen as bad.

Kinky relationships offer a lot of different KINDS of relationships.

You can really define the relationship you want.  It might not be what you can find, to be sure, but you can at least define an ideal, and go from there.

And please remember to update your bookmarks for my new home on the web, which you can find here.

About MsConstanceExplains

Ms Constance has been actively involved in the BDSM/Leather community since the mid-1990’s. She is the Founder of the Louisville Munch as well as its hostess for ten years, from 1997 to 2007, and was christened as “Louisville’s First Lady” by her community. As a member of various BDSM/Leather organizations, she has been nominated for Pantheon Woman of the Year as well as regional awards, and has been nominated with her slave, drew, for Pantheon Couple of the Year. She serves as Special Events Director for the Great Lakes Leather Alliance. She produces the Bluegrass Leather Pride Contest, sending contestants to Great Lakes Leather Weekend, and was Presenters Committee Chair for Leather Leadership Conference 2010 Great Lakes/Ontario. She has produced and judged Leather events and contests, been instrumental in the organization and creation of various groups and clubs, advised and encouraged other communities and endeavors, and produced a performance by a BDSM comedian. Groups around the country use her writings in information and introductory packets, and she is an occasional columnist as well. She and slave drew hold the titles of Great Lakes Master and slave 2003.

Posted on February 2, 2013, in Relationships and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. This is sooo important. i think people have a lot of misconceptions about how relationships are built in TTWD. i always figured if i was going to take all of the normal vanilla risks (my time, my feelings, maybe my heart)…i had better spend even more time before commiting when i was adding to the risks with my body, my thought processe, my psyche.

  2. I think people are sometimes SO thrilled to find anyone who will address the “dark” side of their nature that they ignore common sense in terms of understanding that there’s more required than both liking this ONE thing.

    Thanks for the comment.

  3. i love this post – it’s so right, and so important to say. You know, a couple of years ago, I made a list of the qualities i wanted in a relationship. It was a delightful moment when i realized that Sir really met all the criteria. And while i don’t quite believe in magic, i think that being clear with myself and the universe about what i was looking for was an essential part of the process.

  4. Good point! I mean not only for submissive-dominant relationships but also for the rest. why settle with someone who is only 60-80% matching you?

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