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Attracting a Partner, Part 5

I seem to be doing a whole series here, don’t I?

One of the comments that was made reminded me about another thing that I think is important about finding a new partner.

Sometimes it’s also about letting go of the old partner.

Sometimes that’s one of the harder parts, I think.

There are usually two varieties.

One is, the person who’s ex was SO incredible and SO perfect and SO amazing that it’s hard for anyone else to measure up.

The other is the person who’s ex was SO awful and SO horrible and SUCH a complete asshole that they can’t seem to see past that to anyone else.

The first one is hard, for sure.

When you have to follow a saint, it’s hard to live up to it.

Their former Master or Mistress was the love of their life, the be all and end all of all BDSM and kink, the perfect melding of demanding and nurturing.

Their former submissive knew them so well that they never had to ask for anything, everything was already in place, they were pliable and compliant and obedient and, in short, perfect.

Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that they were not, indeed, perfect.  The Master/Mistress was also probably grouchy and unreasonable on occasion, and the slave was not always so accommodating and well-versed.

We have to remind ourselves that no person was all good, or all bad.

Then there’s the other side.

I bet you’ve seen it, too.

The person who can hardly speak without spewing bile about their former relationship.

I have a friend who went through a relatively messy divorce a couple years ago.

It got to the point that I honestly avoided her because her primary and initial topic of conversation was always her asshole ex-husband and the asshole things he had said, or done, or was threatening to do, or not do.

It didn’t require an inquiry.

It wasn’t in response to, “How are you?  How’s the divorce going?”

It was in response to “Hey, nice to see you.”

I think it never occurred to my friend how she came across.  She was SO caught up in the miasma of her life – there were challenging children involved, too – that she couldn’t step back and see.

One of the other things that always occurs to me, when I encounter someone who has nothing but unkind things to say about an ex is, one of these days it’s going to be me.

It’s also true that I don’t think it says anything good about you and your judgement.  If the person you last hitched your wagon to was so horrific…  Um…  Well, gee.  That sort of means your judgement might not be all it could be, either.

Now, I know sometimes people change, but even so, most of the time the change is not that profound.  Most of the time, the person you “married,” for lack of a better term, is pretty close to the same person you “divorced.”

It’s also true that while it’s possible that the reviled one was 100% at fault, it’s uncommon.

Almost every ended relationship I’ve ever seen was at least 70%/30%.  If nothing else, you stayed with someone who was an asshole for longer than might point to your good judgement.

So, if someone has nothing but bad to say about a former love, well, that tells me something.

I don’t mean that you can’t talk about issues with your friends, or that you always have to put on a brave front, but in general, a brave front will go a long way to creating a brave back, too.

Fake it until you make it.

Learn to say, “You know, I think we were both at fault, but I learned a lot, so that’s a good thing.”

Save the in-depth bitching for your friends, the people who talk about their past escapades to you, too.

When you look around, too, don’t focus entirely on what you DON’T want.

I don’t want anyone who is not local, who has small children, or is much under 30 years old.  I DO want someone who is smart, funny, mature, stable, and wants to be submissive.

Notice there’s a reasonable balance there.  There are a few things I don’t want, and things I do want, and I think it’s a mistake to focus too much on one or the other.

I see profiles that tell me all the things they don’t want, which are often rather obvious.

They list that they want honest people, and fun people, and people who are drama-free.

Not me.  I am looking for lying, boring and bat shit crazy people.

No, wait, no, I’m not.

It’s rarely wise to jump from one important relationship to another.  Spend some time putting a period at the end of the sentence rather than just adding a semi-colon and moving on.

Once in a while, it’s true, the person that you meet a month after the worst breakup of your life IS the love of your life, the person with whom you are, you should pardon the expression, “tied” to for life.

But most of the time it’s not.  Most of the time it’s just a rebound, and rebounds can be fun, just as one-night stands can be, so long as everyone is on the same page.

I think the best thing to do is to behave a bit like you’re just beginning to date and you have fairly strict parents.

Go out in groups.

Go to parties.

Avoid sleepover parties.

Date a lot of people casually.

Give yourself a break, give yourself time to heal and move on.

You can’t attract a new partner if you’re still focused on the old one.

And please remember to update your bookmarks for my new home on the web, which you can find here.

Attracting a Partner, Part 4

So, I’ve talked about knowing what you want, what you are looking for, what you will compromise on, all that.

I think it’s important to recognize that, however much you might dislike the thought, you may never find the relationship for which you are looking.

It’s possible.

Not a happy thought, maybe, but possible.

I think first you need to make a life that you can live, even if you never have anyone else to share it in the way you’d like.

I see people who put their life on hold until…

Well, until.

Until the fabled day when your life becomes perfect, when that life includes the perfect Master and perfect slave, or dominant or submissive, or whatever it is that you put there when you fill in the blanks.

Once you have that, well, then, your life will be perfect and everything will fall into place.

Unless that never happens.

Again, I don’t mean to be a downer there, but I think we all need to accept that our lives may never have all the things in them that we would like, whether those things are people or things, experiences or adventures.

One can either sit and wait for one’s life to begin and find, perhaps, that one has reached the end of it without it ever really beginning, or one can build a life that is at least full, even if it doesn’t contain all of our desires.

It is also true that most of us find the person far more appealing who has a life that is full and happy, even if they’d like to have more in it, as opposed to the person who sits and weeps about what they don’t have, focusing always on what is missing rather than what is present.

I do tend to be a half-full kind of girl, that’s probably obvious.

The old saying is, when the student is ready, the teacher will appear, and I tend to think that’s true, or at least, when we are ready and our eyes are open, we see the opportunities around us.

When we have been realistic about what it is for which we are looking, when we have defined our terms and sifted our needs our from our wants, once we’ve done all that, I think that we can open our eyes to what might be out there.

I always encourage people to become involved.  For me, that means the kink community, but I do recognize that’s not for everyone.

I think if you’re looking for kink relationships, and don’t want to be involved in the kink community at all, then you’re missing out on a lot of opportunities, but that’s beside the point.

Find what interests you and pursue it, whatever that is.  Join a book club or take cooking classes or get involved in your church or volunteer at your local food kitchen or SOMETHING.

Again, I think it makes a great deal more sense to go to a munch or a kink gathering, and I think everyone needs to consider it, at least.  While your kink might be a private one, if it’s too private, finding anyone else who shares it is going to be challenging.

The person who interests me, at least, is someone whom, when I say, tell me about your hobbies and interests, lists a few things.  Things that are not all televised sports.

When your life is full, it’s amazing how much more likely it is that you’ll need to make room in it for more.  And if, to your great sorrow, you never have to do that, isn’t it better to have a life that is full except for this thing, as opposed to a life that has nothing in it at all?

 

And please remember to update your bookmarks for my new home on the web, which you can find here.

Attracting a Partner, Part 3

I’ve been talking about finding a partner, and I’ve spoken mostly about being realistic about what it is you want, and what you have to offer, and about monogamy and non-monogamy.

I want to say, too, that I believe that whatever you want, there’s someone out there who is interested in the same thing.

You don’t have to settle, but you may well have to accept that your pool is smaller than you’d like.

I could have five new submissives by the end of the evening, using only Fetlife and text messages, but how worthwhile would those submissives be?

Many of you submissives who bemoan finding a dominant are not really saying there are NO dominants, they are saying that the dominants out there are not worth your time or effort, and I would agree.

No one ever said it was easy.

Vanilla relationships are easy, right?  It’s a piece of cake to find what you want and need and like, right?  So clearly, adding one more piece to the mix, well, that wouldn’t make it any harder, right?  Not at all, surely?

Right.

So, relationships are hard, and kink relationships are also hard.  Finding people who suit is never easy.

However, if you can’t even honestly articulate what it is you want, those chances go way down.

If what you want is to have an occasional play partner who likes kinky sex with spankings and some rope, well, those people are out there.

If what you want is a 24/7 total power exchange dynamic where every part of life is controlled, well, those people are out there, too.

But you can see how it might be hard to find what you want if you aren’t labeling it accurately.

SAYING you want a TPE and really being unwilling to have control go farther than the bed, well, that’s going to make it hard to make that vision a reality.

I think we so often mislabel ourselves, particularly when we’re new.  People use the vocabulary they see without trying to figure out if it’s really what they are, and that’s compounded by the fact that our vocabulary is somewhat fluid, and has few absolutes within it.

I can tell you what I think a bottom is versus a submissive versus a slave, but that’s only my interpretation.  Six other people would have at least six other definitions.

Mine would be correct, of course.

And even within my always-correct definitions are some contradictions and caveats.

For instance, slave drew is not submissive.  Not even a little.  He’s submissive towards ME and he’s generally courteous and respectful to most people, mostly.  Mostly.

But he’s not a bit submissive.

It was quite funny last fall when he came in second for the local Munchie awards in the category of Most Admired Submissive.

Our reaction was, Have they ever MET you?

So, add that into the mix, the occasional wiggle room for the vagaries of life, and what you have is something that makes it that much harder to find those with whom we are compatible.

I think that the people who have the most successful kinky relationships are generally the ones who have spent the most time inside their own heads, poking around.

For a lot of people, too, finally finding someone who is at least open to the dark recesses that they’ve kept mostly hidden can be wildly intoxicating and that makes them less than discriminating about their partners.

It’s kind of like saying, “Oh, wow, you love missionary position, so do I, clearly, we are soul mates,” or “OMG, your favorite band is Maroon 5?  Mine is, TOO!  We are destined to spend eternity together.”

Those discoveries might be either nice bonuses, or possibly the basis of a friendship, but do not indicate soul mate status.

We forget sometimes that relationships are relationships.  If you’re not compatible on more than a surface level, it’s probably not going to work, however great that level does work.

On the other hand, one thing that can be very freeing about kinky relationship is that kinky relationships already don’t fit into a lot of the boxes that we grew up thinking were the norm and the target.

In the vanilla world, being a control freak or a masochist are usually seen as bad.

Kinky relationships offer a lot of different KINDS of relationships.

You can really define the relationship you want.  It might not be what you can find, to be sure, but you can at least define an ideal, and go from there.

And please remember to update your bookmarks for my new home on the web, which you can find here.

Attracting a Partner, Part 1

I am doing a class next week on Attracting a Partner.

It used to be called, Attracting a Dominant, but then the more I did it the more I realized that the same things went into both sides of it, or many of the same anyway, and it seemed silly to do a class that applied to both but marketed to one.

At the Sunday munch last week, I ended up giving a sort of impromptu vision of what I think is important in finding a partner.

On one level, it’s funny, because I say the same thing in all my classes, on the other hand, it’s not funny at all, really.

The first step is always knowing yourself.

If you do not know what you want, if you are unable to define it and communicate it, the likelihood that you will find it goes WAY down.

I think one of the reasons that can be hard is that it requires a certain level of honesty with yourself, and sometimes that’s not the prettiest side of our personality, or, rather, it’s not the way we THINK we should look.

Back in the last decade, when I was more focused on finding people, one of the things that mattered was that they not have children, at least children under a certain age, whom they had much contact with.

I don’t mean I preferred deadbeat dads, by the way.

But I don’t particularly like children.  My not having children was not an accident, or a sorrow.

If a man had children that were still preteens, for instance, I believed they should be his primary focus, meaning I couldn’t be.

I want your attention.  Children interfere – and should.  Ergo, no children.

I also like decorative playmates and partners.  I am shallow.  I’m also a big believer in physical attraction.

I am not perfect, nor do I expect others to be, but I do like good-looking playmates, and that weighs heavily in my decisions.

Those are not overly flattering recognitions about oneself, but if I think that an unattractive guy with three small kids will work for me, in the end, we’re both going to waste our time.

I think you have to be realistic about what you have to offer, too, in the sense of time and commitment.  It might be fun to fantasize about being kept naked and chained 24/7, but if you have a mortgage and a job, then that’s probably not realistic, unless you find someone with an estate and a lot of disposable income.

It’s not impossible, but you might not have a very broad pool of candidates from which to draw.

Sometimes it can feel like we’re failing ourselves if we’re not as “committed” as we think we ought to be, or as other people are.

My kink life really IS my life.  I do little that doesn’t have kink components.  Most of my social interactions are kink-related.  Most of my travel is kink-related.  Most of my relationships are kink-related.

Personally, I was never looking for something that was just in the bedroom.  If you’re unwilling to go to an event with me, or a munch, or a party, then, I’m probably not interested.

But that doesn’t mean everyone is so committed to this, or should be.

I don’t have blood family, or children.  That doesn’t claim my time.

I was never overly career-driven.  I gave what I had to give to get along.  That didn’t claim my time.

Being realistic about what you have to give and want to get back is vital, I think, to actually GETTING it.

Remember – I have a new website on my OWN domain up and running.   It’s the same right now, but in time this one will likely not be updated as often – better get your bookmarks updated!

And a LINK to the new site would be incredibly helpful, wouldn’t it?  Thanks to the MonkeysJourney blog for the reminder.

You can find my new home here.